Moove Forward

hookIt’s done. All paperwork is submitted for surgery and now I’m settling into the idea.  I struggled with the idea of weight loss surgery for a year and a half. I’ve researched, spoken with several people who have had the surgery, and written up countless pros and cons.  I know that it’s a no-brainer, considering the hernia and that NOT having the size of my stomach reduced increases my chances of re-herniation.  There are lots of reasons.
But I do want to be clear. I am not trying to justify this surgery as  a complete side dish.  I realize that my focus has been on relieving the painful attacks from the hernia and it may sound like I don’t really care about the weight loss. I do.  I am absolutely prepared to take this huge step of changing my life to be healthier. And I am very aware that

  1. It is voluntary
  2. It is major abdominal surgery
  3. I am choosing to have it

It occurred to me the other day that I should point that out. Without it being said, I worry that it looks like I am trying to justify it in a way to maybe look “different” or better than others who chose to have weight loss surgery.  I admit that I still don’t think I would be doing it without the obvious need for the hernia repair anyway.   But ultimately, I AM choosing it and I am excited about it.

Hmmm… excited. About surgery. ME.  I’m the one who fought her arse off 4 times to avoid c-sections, which included researching, firing doctors seeing chiropractors and homebirth midwives, and knowing more about the statistics and implications of each intervention than 80% of women who walk into the hospital. I am also a woman who  walked out of the hospital AMA(Against Medical Advice)  after a severe gall bladder attack and being told I needed it out quickly, to research and consider before undergoing gall bladder removal.   I have a long history of avoiding unnecessary surgery.  If you know me, you know I’ve done my homework.  And after all is said and done, I’m choosing this like many other men and women who struggle with obesity.

I’ve been very open about my surgery and sharing with people.  Because I have so many other health issues going on, I worry that the sudden weight loss, and subsequent hair loss and languid skin that I know will accompany it… will just scare the tar out of a lot of people.  And those are the people who have supported me through the last several years of health issues. I don’t want it left to people’s imaginations and gossip.  If I don’t share, it’s going to look like I have cancer or something and my support system of friends and family deserve better.
I’ve been surprised by some of the responses.
“But you aren’t hardly big enough!!”
Ummm,  I actually weigh just under 250lbs at 5’4″.
“Oh, but you carry it so WELL.”
Ok, sure. But I’m still carrying it. My bones are. The bones that already at 25 have fibromyalgia, arthritis, degenerative disks… They’re ready for improvement.
“Oh, you’re going to feel so sexy. You’ll get all new clothes.”
Me? I couldn’t care less about bringing sexy back. My husband loves every inch of me, no matter how many there are.  I’ll leave sexy where it’s at.  And I’ve already been begging hand-me-downs from a few people so I don’t have to buy clothes.  I’m pretty focused on modesty. I mostly wear skirts, I try to hide all cleavage, and never show my knees. Don’t expect me to be strutting much.

I’ve had a few looks of horror and many looks of envy as it looks like an easy way out.  If there is one thing that I know, this is NOT easy.  The people who have had this surgery are strong, and have worked their butts off for success. It’s a quick fix to some extent but only works long term if you work it.  And that is a life long commitment.

The eating plan for the next 2 years is intense. TWO YEARS. And THEN I can consider maintenance.  I can never again have sodas and shouldn’t have alcohol.  I will never guzzle a big bottle of water for refreshment. I will have to take hard core vitamins and supplements for life.    People are going to be uncomfortable and confused as they see me shrink.  There’s going to be  some frustration when I go out with the girls and have 3 bites then sip some water.   I know all of this. And I’m ready for it.

This is going to sound so cheesy, but I’m going to bring out a little Jesus here.  You can think it’s a crock, but just listen for a minute.  (I totally justified my nose ring biblically, too, by the way.)

Have you ever looked at how many verses there are about cutting out/off body parts?
Mark 9:43 If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.  Matthew 5;#0 and 18:8 agree with the amputation.   In Matthew 5:29 he suggests gouging your eye out if it offends  you.   And they all say the same thing… It is better to go throughout life without it…
Think about it.  Living without a hand would SUCK!  So would being blind in one eye.  You would have to relearn everything. You would be limited for the rest of your life.  There are things you just couldn’t ever do again, and people are going to be uncomfortable around you…. And did the Bible just imply that  you should CHOOSE this?
So there you have it.  One of my biggest struggles was being sure that I’m not taking over God’s plan or doing something outside of His will.  Many of us worry about that with our decisions.  All I can say is that my stomach offends me.  It’s taking too much of my life.  And I’m not gonna lie, I’ll take cutting out my stomach over my eye or my hand.  I think those guys had the raw end of this deal!! I am at peace with sacrificing my stomach to gain a healthier life. And I’m excited about the “hook”, the edge that it will give me as a tool to move forward.  Yeah, that hook pun was completely intentional. Go ahead, laugh. ARRRGGG..
So, those are my thoughts tonight as I’m waiting for the caffeine I had earlier to wear off.  It’s now 1:40am and I think I can attempt sleep.   If you read this, I’d love to hear your thoughts.




3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Megan on March 6, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    It’s sounds like you’ve done your research and are choosing what is best for yourself – health wise. That’s a great thing! Hoping you have the help you need – we’ve managed to catch some awful bug and are trying to recooperate. When is your surgery scheduled for?


  2. Posted by Robbie on March 7, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    You know that you have our support no matter what decisions you make. Yes…you will need help and you will need to rely on those of us who you have helped in the past. Even if it’s you directing some of us how to cook for your family! 😉


  3. Posted by HiKath on March 19, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    You know dear, here’s the deal. No One and I mean No One has walked in your shoes but you. You make the best decision with the information that you have. and you live with the positive and negative consequences of it. As I’ve had a similar path, if you ever have any concerns, am welcome to be a sounding board. I love you and pray for the best possible outcome. xoxo


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