What a Weekend

Yesterday was great. I was down 15.2  and Travis is kind of plateauing . We had a  full day of family time, cleaning, errands.. The typical Saturday.  Trav was having a hard time with will power, so I decided to finally break out the ‘handbook’ that comes with the diet. So far we have stayed withing the parameters pretty loosely, but I think it’s time to shore things up and certainly to add some more variety in what we eat. There are some great recipes in the book, I just was going on autopilot and cooking as easily as I could. I could go on eating this simply for weeks but Travis is losing his resolve so I’ve got to get him remotivated.

So to save my man, I braved the Dekalb Farmer’s Market at noon with Eden and Lucas.  Whew… I love that place but NOT on a Saturday!  They are the only place that has my Weightless Tea and they have Ezekiel Bread Buns and Tortillas.  Poor buy needed something so I promised him a burger on a bun for dinner.

I got my workout on the treadmill in.  It bumped up an extra 10 minutes to 30, and the incline intervals were more intense.  Yikes!  While my weightloss is slowing down, it still feels steady.  And I also am noticing changes to my shape more than I was for the first week.

This morning I looked in the mirror and my face looked thinner.  Which is a strange thing to see.   Can I be honest about that?  I feel strange looking at my face thinner.  Almost to where I’d say I don’t like it. Does that make any sense?  Is it because I’m so used to being big that I’m nervous about change?  Is it a subconscious sort of denial? Is it because I’m obviously getting older and without fat to fill my face out, it’s more obvious?   Is it because I had an expectation of looking a certain way and my face doesn’t look that way?  I can’t quite put a finger on it or describe it. But I just know that I feel like my face looks harsh somehow.

Last year when I lost all of that weight I think I truly was in a denial process. It was weird to look at myself.   I loved being smaller and healthier, but It was just strange to look at myself.   I think  I have become so comfortable with seeing myself overweight that it really is hard to accept a smaller me.  I felt like it was fake.  Like I was a liar somehow and didn’t ‘belong’ or ‘deserve’ to be in this smaller, healthier body. But there I was.  Shamefully, gaining weight back was a bit of a relief.   That’s how well I had convinced myself that I DESERVED to be fat.  That it’s just who I was.

But it’s not.  And the bottom line is that now I can’t stand being big. I feel like gaining weight back took me through a process of reevaluating my purpose in losing.  Of processing what I truly want for my body, and for my family through the choices that I make about my health.  I’m kind of at a ‘cut the crap’ point where I realize that it was a distorted sort of self-defense that caused me to put it back on. And I’m deciding to be stronger than that.

I don’t care about wearing a bikini.  I never will wear one on principle or modesty anyway.  I don’t care about getting compliments or really even looking good.  I care about my body. I want this weight off.  I want to move freely and feel good in my skin.

And I’m on my way back.

Oh. Today’s weigh in put me at 15.8  Half a pound a day is still completely successful and is more inline with what you should expect after your first week anyway.  I’m thrilled!

WHAT I ATE SATURDAY:

B: Tea, wasn’t hungry
S: Grapefruit
L: Slice of a Chia Muffin (CHEAT),  2 herb baked chicken tenders, salad
S: Grapefruit
D: Burger wrapped in lettuce with tomato, onion, pickles, ketchup and mustard

Advertisements

One response to this post.

  1. […] 7- Gonna Make You Sweat Till You Bleed Week 1 Down!!! 14lbs Gone! Well Gahh!! Squeezing In a Post What A Weekend Don’t Worry, We’re Still […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: